Down to the Wire

Is there really only 11 days left? Actually, 10 more. This is all so surreal. As much as I wanted to keep track of the craziness that all leads up the ultimate craziness, I haven't been doing a very good job. But I'm going to make a last minute attempt to catch up.

Friday night, I was psyched to be back home. Saturday we headed to Camp Charis to join the youths. It was so good to see everyone again. There were brief moments where I felt like I wasn't really a part of this group anymore (or soon to not be a part of it). It's a little saddening when I think about it. But at the end of the day, I'm so happy to see where they are at. And with their new youth pastor, whom we love, I know that God is going to do amazing things in this group of young people.

Sunday was the beginning of the rollercoaster ride. It was just fantastic (and almost overwhelming) to see everyone at my home church again. They were all so excited and there was so much love all around. I felt so blessed and full of gratitude. Lunch was good and all was well... until we got home and things got ugly. And from then on, the ugly just kept getting uglier and I've been pretty down since then. A part of me feels guilty because it seems like I left my mom alone to fend for herself against the family. A part of me felt ashamed because of the mess my home is. Not just the physical clutter but the tension that hangs in the air and the hostility coming from my dad, the grandma and their family. Even if the jokes of Cyrus "marrying up" were true, having to endure the craziness and the burdens of my family, I wonder if it's worth it. Perhaps he's not getting such a great deal out of this after all. I say this knowing very well that Cyrus still loves me and will continue to love me regardless, for which, I am eternally grateful.

So I guess this is Part 2 to the "problems with the in-laws", from my side this time. A part of me feel guilty because I seem to have it so much better with the in-laws compared to my mom. It just doesn't seem fair. I have already taken a big step to be able to see my dad and his family not as enemies or terrible people, but as people who are lost and desperately in need of salvation. It has been so hard to push away any resentment towards them. My heart burns with anger when I see how they treat mom yet it breaks my heart at the same time. I forget where I heard this but it has been so incredibly helpful (I think it was from one of the Christian radio programmings): We have to remember that people who do bad things aren't necessarily bad people, they are just people who have fallen to the lies of the devil. They too are victims, just like the people they are causing grief and harm to. We need to forgive them with the grace of God and pray for them.

It's only been 4 days and I already feel exhausted. I wonder if all brides go through this much stress and craziness. The excitement and joy has really been dampen by all this chaos between my family. I'm trying so hard to keep fighting. But perhaps that's not what I need to do. Just like how contradicting "fighting for peace" is. I know Cyrus is worried about me but I really do need the space and alone time to reflect and figure things out between God and I. I really feel the need to set things right with God before we take this big step into "becoming as one". I can't remember another time when I prayed as much as I have been praying now. Lord have mercy.