the quarter life crisis

So the struggle continues, and I think I have officially hit this new, wonderful stage in life. As i wrote to a friend earlier, this whole settling in thing is proving to be a lot harder than I had expected. I'm starting to realize what it means to step out of our comfort zone. Mine is home and all that I know and love. Funny how I was looking forward to coming back so much yet it's not like what I had remembered. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty to love here but I'm just not as happy as I thought I would be. Actually, I wouldn't exactly use the word "happy" to describe how I've been feeling for this past week and a bit. There were definitely happy moments. But there's just a lot more challenges than joys.

Pastor Joe's sermon was really good today. Much appreciated and much needed. I have to admit that I'm guilty of not keeping the Sabbath for this past year. Perhaps that explains why I'm always so tired and stressed out. Not just physically but mentally and spiritually. Which also explains why those true moments of rest felt soo good. My place of rest and meditation is my bed -where I pray, where I read the Bible, where I spend time with God, and where I put on my head phones and lose myself in praise and worship songs. So many times I can't seem to find the words to say to God, yet as I listen to these songs, they seem to speak for me. After my devotions and prayers, I decided to finish off my Sabbath day with worshiping through music - by just singing in my heart. By the time tears started streaming, I am refreshed and His peace came over me:

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untamable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God
INCOMPARABLE, unchangeable
You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same
You are amazing God

It also makes me appreciate our worship team that much more. The weekly practices are like partial Sabbaths for my soul. The lessons. The music. The bonding. Everything. I don't think anyone of them reads this, but I sure miss them lots. They really have become like family. As crazy as the Wan brothers drive me, they are the best brothers I could ask for, and I love them dearly. It's memories like these of home that makes me think twice about staying in Edmonton.

I really am torn, in so many aspects. I feel guilty for leaving everyone and everything behind to start my new life. I want to but I don't. And this freedom isn't so sweet afterall. We've worked so hard to get through university and now that I'm done, I'm finding myself feeling like I've accomplished nothing. What does this degree mean? So far, not much. I feel so inadequate still and so not ready for this so-called real world. Although I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one, I haven't been very honest or brave about showing my fears and doubts. Perhaps I feel pressured because I'm supposedly ahead of the game because I'm getting married and settling down before everyone. Getting married, sure. But settling down? Quite far from it, unfortunately. Not to mention the stage is quite different here. Back home, I may be ahead but here, it's another story. So many engaged couples around us here and it seems like we're farthest behind. I know that all this is only temporary but it sure isn't easy. It does, however, make me cling harder to God. The smaller I find myself, the bigger I see God being. And that... is comforting. At the end of the day, I think that's really the only thing that's keeping me sane. I really need to learn to rely on God and chase after Him before I bring my needs and everything else to anyone. And that's rather hard now that I have Cyrus with me all the time. But I'm not complaining.

I'm really excited about Mexico and about our pre-marriage counseling. It's about time we take our relationship to the next level and learn to grow closer to God as a couple. We've been growing steadily over the year, but sort of separately at different rates and areas... which could explain the slight distant and detachment. Sometimes there are doubts that pop up and moments where the stress makes me want to run away and put everything on hold. But all this points to the need to focus on God and seek His will. Now I'm realizing why God is referred to as daily bread. I really can't remember or imagine what life is like without Him but I'm sure glad He found me. Another reason why I have such a passion for missions. Our nation is so desperate yet so hard headed.

I love Superman Returns because the Christianity symbolism is awesome and sums it up all so well. Jesus :: Superman. In fact,
JESUS > SUPERMAN !

Superman: Listen; what do you hear?
Lois Lane: Nothing.
Superman: I hear everything. You wrote that the world doesn't need a savior, but every day I hear people crying for one.

AMEN!