Break it down

It's been a long blogless month with so much that has come and gone. Despite February being the shortest month, it felt incredibly long. And what happens after a "long" month? Yup, a break down. It was not pretty. And I felt incredibly embarrassed that it had to happen while I was on the train. All throughout February, their was word on budget cuts, layoffs and so forth. A few weeks ago, my supervisor gave me "the talk" about the reality of our department and my position. I told him it was expected that my contract wouldn't be extended. (I've been secretly wishing they would lay me off right now cos I just need a break so badly. I'm still hoping that there's some way for us to afford for me go back to school to do my Ed stuff but at this point, it doesn't seem likely. ) Anyway, he offered to put my name out to different departments who are looking for people to do database work. I was grateful but said nothing more. I should've known that as soon as the thought "no thanks" came into my head, that it was not the path I wanted to pursuit.

In fact, I am still shocked at how unhappy I am with my work. Everything kind of blew up soon after I went back to check on things in my old office and realized they had moved a bunch of my stuff (because they had their carpets cleaned) and in addition, there are now "other stuff" in my old desk area. In other words, they have helped themselves to use my desk space for storage. Not to mention they have taken my name off of their sign-in board already. I had mixed feelings about moving out of the office. I was glad to get away from the drama, the trash-talking/back stabbing, and of course, the bullying/hostility from certain female coworkers. But it certainly didn't feel good experiencing all that today. I even started to grab some of my stuff to my new office to get ready to move everything home.

After that, I went back to my office and kept running into walls with my coding. And that was pretty much the last straw before I left early to go see the doctor. I always complained about how much I hate programming and coding but I didn't realize it stressed me out that much. I think at the end of the day, I just feel like I've been jipped. Seeing how much I did last year with all the special events, web support and other cover offs, it was such a downhill drop this year getting stuck with a huge project that involves so much more coding than I had anticipated. And seeing how cold the main office people are makes me kind of angry and sad. I don't regret helping them all those times when I didn't have to, nor do I have any personal beef with any of them. I guess in their mind, they just think I'm a kid/newly graduate and some of them are kind of intimidated by my work ethic and how much more I can do than them. So just hear me out as I just need to express how frustrated I am with this unfairness. Perhaps this is why I vowed to never be an office lady in the first place.

Then again, I never deserved to have a job like this in the first place. Honestly, I've been browsing jobs lately and I have yet to find a job that is easier and pays better. In fact, I probably get paid more than the majority of the working class. And it's truly God's grace. Without this job, Cyrus and I could never have afforded to have our wedding, have 2 cars and a place to live. It's been a humbling month I'd say. And since BreakForth, it was very clear that our plans have flopped back yet again. Clearly, Calgary is out of the picture for this coming year and Edmonton shall remain our home for this next while. I'm getting so paranoid and frustrated with all this swaying back and forth and so much uncertainties. Right now I feel like a lil play-doh doll and God is just pulling and stretching me to the max.

To top it all off, not only am I breaking mentally, my physical body is also breaking just as quickly. After recovering from a mild case of stomach flu just last week, I was just diagnosed today with bronchitis. I really don't know how I'm going to make it through this month but I know God will "pull" me through somehow. Prayers are desperately needed :)

Lord have mercy on me.