The best late-night chat

I've received several nudges here and there to come back to the blog world. Now would probably be a good time to sneak in an entry or two while I get a little break. And then it's back to the whirlwind of life. These past few months have probably been the most trying. I have always been a high-achiever but to my defense, some of the things thrown into the mix was not entirely my choice. Buying a new house, yes. Tackling a new job, that too. But the timing of all this and THE challenge that just fell into my lap... no, but I welcome it none the less.

Perhaps the most impulsive thing I've done in a long time was deciding to fly home over-night and then purchasing tickets the next morning to fly out the evening of. It was undoubtedly a wise decision though. Besides, if God didn't think so, I'm sure He had many opportunities to prevent me from going. I have to say, I can't remember the last time when I took a week all for myself and did nothing but rest. As nice as it sounds, it took a LOT of fighting in me. Why? Because I'm an over-achiever - I never stop. Funny my parents were recounting stories of my toddler years. My mom was so proud that she only ever had to teach me once and I could tie my shoe laces long before my second birthday. She said it's so neat that each baby is already born with their personality. Apparently I was stubborn and persistent since day one. I would never give up until I got something done - like trying to button my clothes or figuring out how to climb out of my crib, which didn't take me long and I was fearless. They were amazed one night to find me wobbling down the hall when I should be in my crib. They had put me back and out I came again. I had apparently climbed from my crib, up a cabinet and down some boxes. Good thing I was the first child. Perhaps the reason why I was the only child as well.

But that sense of perseverance stuck. And it wasn't until this point that I had ever thrown in the towel. Imagine after 5 years of undergrad, 2.5 years of working a mindless, dead-end job, then finally getting a chance to work in your expertise field and then in less a year getting a promotion to your "dream position". And then on the second day of that brand new job, you find out you're pregnant. And suddenly, all the knowledge, skill and fervor in you can't combat the loss of control over your body, emotions and everything you thought you had. Welcome to my world. Some days, it feels like I'm stuck in someone else's body - observing with no control. The sudden weepiness and crippledness is terrifying. It's literally like I've turned into another person. That sense of helplessness was unbearable. I have always wanted to be a mother. But now that I think about it, it really shouldn't surprise me that God would have me endure all the woes of pregnancy without mercy. To me, it's still a blessing in disguise.

Motherhood is by far the most humbling experience I have ever lived through.

During my "sabbatical" last week, I did a LOT of thinking. There was a lot of fighting and crying as I wrestled my demons. God has been so patient with me as I unraveled and pluck through everything in such a pain-staking manner. Yes, I'm that stubborn and OCD. But what a breakthrough I had! That night was the longest chat I've had with God in a very long time. And I had never felt so close to Him for as long as I could remember. It was like a dream. Something you only read about in books. But it was the best feeling in the world. I couldn't believe how much it took for God to completely break me down. There wasn't an ounce of resistance left in me. Surrender is a word that never really existed in my vocabulary. And boy, was it a difficult one to learn. I never realized how strong-willed I was until now. It's going to be one heck of a year and I'm both scared and excited!